Overcoming Toxic Positivity in Your Healing Journey

We’ve all heard the advice: “Just stay positive.”

At first, it sounds like harmless encouragement. Who wouldn’t want to be positive, right? But sometimes, positivity—when it’s forced or misplaced—can do more harm than good.

This is where the idea of toxic positivity comes in. It’s when positivity is used like a mask, covering up real struggles instead of facing them. On the surface, it looks like strength. But underneath, it creates pressure, shame, and distance from our true selves.

Let’s take a closer look at how toxic positivity shows up, why it’s so harmful, and what we can do instead to create space for real healing.

What Is Toxic Positivity, Really?

Positivity itself isn’t the problem. In fact, having hope, optimism, and a grateful outlook can help us cope in tough times. The problem comes when positivity is forced—when it’s used to silence pain, dismiss emotions, or push away anything uncomfortable.

Think of it like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches. The band-aid might cover it for a moment, but it doesn’t fix what’s happening underneath.

When we push ourselves—or others—to “just be positive,” we’re skipping the important step of actually acknowledging what hurts. And unacknowledged pain doesn’t go away. It lingers.

When Positivity Crosses the Line

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
• “It’s not that bad—others have it worse.”
• “I just need to think happy thoughts.”

Or maybe a friend told you:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just focus on the good.”
• “Don’t cry—be grateful for what you have.”

This is the heart of toxic positivity. It dismisses real pain instead of validating it. And while it might be meant as encouragement, it often leaves us feeling even more alone.

Because deep down, what we want most is not for someone to “fix” our feelings—but for them to be seen and accepted.

Where We Learned This Pattern

For many of us, toxic positivity has roots in childhood.

Maybe crying wasn’t allowed in your home. Maybe anger was called “bad behavior.” Maybe you were told to “stop being dramatic” anytime you showed sadness.

So you adapted. You learned to hold it in. To smile even when you were hurting. To push your emotions down so far that you could almost pretend they weren’t there.

As adults, those old messages don’t just disappear. They sneak back in as inner voices that whisper:

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “Stop being negative.”
• “Just move on already.”

And without realizing it, we sometimes pass the same messages on to others—even when our intentions are good.

A Personal Flashback

When I was a kid, crying wasn’t safe. If I cried, I was mocked or punished. So I stopped crying where anyone could see.

I told myself I wasn’t hurt. I told myself to just get over it. And for a while, I believed it.

But my body knew better. My mind knew better. The pain I buried didn’t go away—it just showed up in different forms: anxiety, shame, emotional breakdowns that I couldn’t explain.

Because here’s the truth: you can only push emotions down for so long. Sooner or later, they surface.

How Toxic Positivity Shows Up Today

Even if you think you’ve moved past it, toxic positivity has a sneaky way of showing up in everyday life.

Toward Yourself:

You might think things like:

• “I shouldn’t feel sad about this.”
• “I should be over it by now.”
• “Other people have it worse.”

That voice makes you feel guilty for not being happy. It tells you your feelings are “wrong.”

Toward Others:

You might say:

• “Just stay positive.”
• “Look on the bright side.”
• “At least it’s not worse.”

Again, these words usually come from a caring place. We want to comfort. But instead, they can make someone feel dismissed, like their pain doesn’t matter.

Sometimes, the most healing thing you can say isn’t advice at all—it’s simply: “I see how hard this is. I’m here for you.”

Signs You’re Caught in Toxic Positivity

Here are a few ways you might recognize it in your own life:

• Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not.
• Feeling guilty for feeling sad, angry, or scared.
• Avoiding your emotions because you don’t want to burden others.
• Rushing to spin every problem into a “lesson” or “blessing.”
• Using phrases like “it is what it is” to avoid talking about what hurts.

These habits might look like resilience, but real resilience doesn’t come from ignoring pain. It comes from facing it.

Why It’s So Harmful

Toxic positivity blocks true healing. It teaches us to bottle emotions instead of working through them.

And bottled emotions don’t just disappear. They weigh on us. Over time, they can lead to stress, burnout, anxiety, depression, or even physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and tension in the body.

Most importantly, toxic positivity creates distance—from ourselves, from others, and from genuine connection. If you’ve ever felt like you couldn’t show your true feelings, you know how isolating it can be.

Healing requires honesty. And honesty starts with allowing ourselves to feel.

What Actually Helps

So, if forcing positivity isn’t the answer, what is? Here are some healthier ways to approach emotions—for yourself and others.

1. Be Honest About Your Feelings

If you’re sad, admit it. If you’re angry, let yourself feel it. You don’t need to explain or justify it. Feelings are never “wrong.” They’re signals from your mind and body that something matters to you.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Don’t rush past your emotions. Cry if you need to. Journal. Meditate. Talk to someone safe. Or simply sit quietly with the feeling until it passes.

The only way out is through.

3. Change the Way You Talk to Yourself

Replace judgment with compassion. Instead of:

• “I shouldn’t feel like this.”

Try:

• “It makes sense I feel this way.”
• “I’m allowed to have these feelings.”
• “I’m doing my best.”

Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.

4. Validate Before You Reframe

Looking for silver linings is healthy—but timing matters. Let yourself grieve first, process first, release first. Then, when you’re ready, remind yourself of your strength:

• “This is hard, but it won’t last forever.”
• “I’ve faced challenges before and survived.”
• “Even if I can’t see it now, I’m growing through this.”

5. Be a Safe Space for Others

When someone shares their pain, don’t jump to solutions. Just listen. Offer empathy instead of advice. Simple phrases like:

• “That sounds really hard.”
• “I understand why you feel that way.”
• “You’re not alone in this.”

Sometimes, presence is the greatest gift.

6. Accept That Happiness Isn’t Constant

Life has highs and lows. You’re not meant to feel happy every moment. That’s not realistic.

There’s beauty in joy, but there’s also growth in pain. Both matter. Both are part of the human experience.

Final Thoughts

Positivity, when it’s real, can be uplifting. It can carry us through tough times. But when it’s forced—when it denies or silences our emotions—it becomes toxic.

You don’t need to wear a smile to be strong. You don’t need to hide your pain to be lovable. Real strength comes from vulnerability, honesty, and the courage to feel.

So if you’re struggling, give yourself permission to say: “This hurts.”
And when you’re ready, remind yourself: “I know I can get through this.”

Life isn’t black and white. It’s not all good or all bad. It’s messy, complicated, and full of both.

Allow yourself to feel it all—the joy and the grief, the hope and the heartbreak. And extend the same grace to others.

That’s where real healing begins.

And if you’re nodding along as you read this, know you’re not alone. We’re all figuring it out, one honest, messy, human step at a time.